The Family Bed: When Did You Stop Co-Sleeping?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
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So, in comes the factor one would consider as Attachment Parenting. Co-Sleeping. My almost 4-yr-old sleeps with my husband and I in our bed. Every night we try to get him to sleep in his room (and at this point anywhere but our bed), but we are unsuccessful. The sad part? I think it's ME that can't sleep without him. I think it's ME that created the Co-Sleeping Monster inside him.
When our first child was born, yes... I purposely put him in our bed because of the sheer reason of exhaustion. Yes. I was tired and, being that I'm a light sleeper, was tired of getting up every 5 seconds to tend to every single noise he made from his crib 2 rooms down.
Then came our second child. A Girl. A sweet-independent-from-the-day-she-was-born-girl. She never co-slept with us, probably because her older brother was always in bed with us. From the day she was born, she wanted nothing to do with a sling, carrier, or closeness of me. When it was bedtime, it was bedtime and everyone best leave her alone so she can get her 10 hours of Princess Rest.
She was easy.
She was the reason my oldest decided to stop sleeping with us.
Years later, our third child came around. He cried a lot. He screamed a lot. He fussed a lot. Even when I brought him into the "Family Bed" he screamed. Nothing made this child happy. We got him to sleep in his own toddler bed and bedtime was pleasant. All he needed was a night light. It was a very sweet time for my husband and I to have our bed back and all three children in their own rooms.
Then tragedy struck.
I call it tragedy because, although it's not your normal tragedy, it was, indeed a tragedy for us.
Marriage was in trouble. Job was in trouble. Finances were in trouble. So, we decided to leave the life we had in Memphis and move back home to Texas. Actually, the decision was not something we decided. We were forced to do this because, to be honest? We were broke.
So, we put all of our things in a storage unit. Packed up only the essentials and moved back home to Texas. All five of us slept in one room. ONE ROOM. Two of the kids slept on palettes on the floor while my husband, my 2-yrold, and I slept on a futon on the other side of the room.
It was our tragedy.
Today, we've built our life back up, brick by brick. Our things in storage were lost, never to be seen again (and I still cry about that), but our life is back. We're healthy and happy and better for it, but one thing remains from our transition.
Our little co-sleeper.
He became so used to sleeping with us and now it seems he'll be here forever. He told me last night, as we fell asleep next to each other, "Momma. I'm never going to leave you. Even when I'm a man, I'll sleep right next to you."
I cried.
In the darkness of our room.
I cried.
I've built an unbelievable closeness with this child due to a fear we all had when our lives were in shamble, but he's developed an attachment to me that needs to dissipate... and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Do you co-sleep? What age did your child stop sleeping with you? How did you wean him to his own room? Most importantly, did you develop Co-Sleeping with your children by accident or out of extenuating circumstances?
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We co-sleep. My 3 1/2-year-old starts out in her own bed at night, but 5 nights out of 7, she wakes up during the night and comes over to our bed. It's always been that way. I have narcolepsy, and I can't function during the day if I don't get enough rest.
Our second child is a month old, and she sleeps in our bed about half the time. It gets a little tricky when all 4 of us are in the queen-sized bed, but everyone has a spot and it works. (The older kiddo sleeps at the bottom of the bed so that she doesn't accidentally kick or roll on the baby.)
How long do we plan on sleeping this way? As long as they want to. :) I am 100% sure that it won't last forever, even if they want it to at this point.
{hugs} momma. You did what you had to do in an impossibly hard situation. I think it would be tough but not impossible to get him out of your bed at this point. If you want him out, try some of the Super Nanny strategies. She seems to have good luck with this ind of thing.
If you had written this with a different slant it would sound like a pro-co-sleeping post. It's all in how you look at it.
We co-slept with our firstborn by choice. Yes, she was a challenging baby due to acid reflux and it made bf easier, but I always knew I would co-sleep with my babies. When she was 2ish we started transitioning her to her crib (which she had been napping in). The reason for the transition? I was pregnant and due in 4 months and didn't want her to feel kicked out of the bed and resentful of the new baby.
I laid her down in her crib and stayed in the room with her singing lullabies, folding laundry or whatever. As long as I was in the room she was okay and eventually (over a couple weeks) I phased myself right out of the room.
With my second born we co-slept as well except there was no upcoming baby... He's 4 1/2 and we still co-sleep. He goes to sleep in his own bed and wakes up every night like clock work around 12:30 and comes to mine.
If my daughter has a bad dream (once every few months) I let her sleep on the bottom of my bed (like a puppy I tell her).
Once a week we have a family sleepover and my 4 yr old, 7 yr old and I all watch a movie and sleep together on the futon. My husband watches the movie, but doesn't like the whispering part so doesn't sleep over with us. My 7 yr old daughter and I have had amazing heart to hearts at these sleepovers (my 4 yr old falls asleep nearly right away).
After we started family sleep overs each Friday my daughter (7) said she wanted to sleep in my bed every night. I told her we'd have to cancel the sleepovers if she wasn't okay with just Fridays. She's fine with it now and really looks forward to family sleepovers.
I don't have a problem with the fact that my son is still co-sleeping. I know my son won't stay in my bed forever. Yours won't either -- even though he says it now. Take it as a compliment that he loves you -- not a prediction of life-long clingy-ness.
My daughter(7) tells me that she's going to get married and she and her family will live in her current bedroom. She will have the top bunk with the girl baby and her husband will have the bottom bunk with the boy baby (clearly she plans to co-sleep too!) I think it's adorable and I don't mind a bit because I know it won't really happen. It's just her saying how she loves her family.
I agree with you -- part of me really likes co-sleeping with my son. I'm sure I could transition him like I did his sister, but I don't want to at this time...
You need to decide if you (and your husband) are okay with the arrangement or not. I'm not a fan of the method on tv where the child is instantly removed from the parent's bed... It seems too traumatic to me. When you do decide to transition him, I hope you do it gradually.
If you decide not to transition him yet -- make a decision to enjoy the time together. All the best...
Tara and Chelsey,
Thanks so much for sharing your stories and leaving such encouragement for me. I'm neither pro or against co-sleeping. I think all children and families need to do what's best for each other, but I've hit a point where co-sleeping turned into a very unhealthy attachment my son will have to work through.. Heck. What am I talking about. I"ll have to work through it too.
Again, I value your advice and it's made me feel much better as we move forward as we transition my little guy to his own room.
It's so nice to have such a good bond with Rudy. And yes, I'm sure that he won't be sleeping with you when he's a grown man. You were a victim of circumstance and what else were you supposed to do?
While I co-slept when my kids were babies and I was nursing them in the middle of the night, I'm not a fan of co-sleeping with older children. For a couple of reasons. The first is the simple fact is that I don't get the sleep I need to function. I am such a light sleeper than any little movement keeps me awake and my kids like to move a lot! A foot in my face is not the best way to get sleep. The second reason is that I want my bed to me mine and my husbands. It's just not the same if there are kids in there and there's a relationship there that I NEED to preserve. What good is having a great relationship with my kids if I don't have one with my husband? The kids will leave someday and I hope to have the husband around forever. It's hard to have spontaneous "fun" when you are worried that a child might be at the foot of your bed or creeping in at midnight. Now that's not to say if my child is having a bad dream that I don't comfort them. It's just that I want them to stay in their own bed. It sounds harsh but I want them to be able to conquer their fears and if I'm letting them in my bed, I feel like I'm making it easy and they won't learn on their own how to calm themselves down. It's one of those life lessons that carries on to other things. We sing songs at bedtime, say prayers, read books and if they are having trouble going to sleep or going back to sleep then I try to help them by having them hum a song to themselves or say an extra prayer.
As far as transitioning, it's not going to be fun. Plain and simple, gradual or not, he's going to want what he's been used to. I would suggest making him a part of the process, picking out things that would make him comfortable in his own room. Having a set routine for going to bed helps too. But expect that it's going to involve tears no matter what. For the both of you. Maybe a sleepover with siblings could be the first step. I'm no expert but I wish you the best and love you tons!
We have co-slept with my 2-year old since he was born, though that has frequently meant that he falls asleep in our bed and we put him in his crib (which is in our room) from the remainder of the night. I need to get him out of our bed, as he kicks and fights and runs like mad in his sleep and I'm not sure how to get him out. Any advice?
I co-sleep~ right now it is every night as I am attempting, again, to night train my 11-year-old. He has cabin camping coming up with Boy Scouts and really needs to be dry all night!
I started out deliberately co-sleeping~ I was breastfeeding and it was easier to roll over and plug him in! Now he nomally sleeps with me every now and then... scouting has helped him separate from me and become his own person. When we camp out in the yard, he is able to sleep in his wn tent on the other side of the yard! Yea!!!
We live in a one bedroom house in New York! We are saving up to either relocate out of state or find a bigger place. Growing up, I slept with my single mom in her bed until we got a two-bedroom apartment at the age of 7 and I had sleeping issues for many years. I always swore I wouldn't co-sleep.
Fast forward to present time, I co-slept with my first born in our bed for a few weeks then she was in the room but in a co-sleeping barrier device in a toddler bed we had for my step-daughter's weekend visits. She was a wild sleeper so my husband and I kept her close, but not in our bed. She slept through the night by 3 months old and is such a wonderful sleeper to this day. She is 2 and a half now and falls asleep within minutes, sleeps through the night and wakes up happy and practically singing every morning around 7-7:15am.
Our second daughter was born a year and half after the first and we got her a bassinette. She slept in that right next to our bed until she outgrew it. But after that she came into our bed. I wanted a crib for her but we don't really have room for a third bed in one room. Her temperament is nothing like her sister's when it comes to sleeping. She gives 'wild sleeper' a whole new meaning! She does summersaults, circles, punching, kicking and all general acrobatics. My husband now sleeps on the couch saying there's no room for him, and I'm pregnant with our third child now and dreaming of a separate room for the girls with bunk beds for them.
My husband has suggested turning the bedroom into a kids room and making space in the living room for our bed. I'm at a loss. I really want to sleep through the night again (not really on the horizon with a newborn on the way). I'm hoping we can find a solution soon. I can't imagine sleeping with all three of my girls and my husband in another room for another year!